In living through the loss of my father, my mother, my three\nuncles, my three aunties, my son, my daughter in law, my two elder brothers, my\nsister, my countless cousins and, recently, my brother’s wife, I have\ndiscovered something to say to someone who suffered the loss of someone they\nloved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Facing and grappling with the pain is better than forgetting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dont believe the hype that ‘time heals,’ or that you will find\n‘closure’ and must move on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is 25 years since my father died at 68 in 1995. He is still\nwith me, at least.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My mother died 12 years in 2008. She was later at 84. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
She, too, is with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My first born son, 31, and his wife were killed 5 years ago in\nJanuary 2015. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The live in my shadow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The pain has not become softened or lessened. It has become\nfamiliar, a part of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is like when you suffer from the pain of growing a wisdom\ntooth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The pain can be agonizing, excruciating. You can still feel it\nafter it has been extracted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The pain may be in your mind, even fading. But it is there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes, the dearly departed are there. They will always be a part\nof your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There will be moments, long after the burial, when there will be\nunexpected moments of sorrow, of pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Grief will cover you like clothes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Life will remind you of the death in strange ways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The birthday. The death day. Festive season. Christmas or New\nYear. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even those lazy days when you asked them to bring you a drink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There is no protection from remembering. Memory is not to\nforget. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To not forget will demand that you embrace the pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You soon realize, you learn that death is part of life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You accept that life will ultimately end in death. And you adapt\nto be at peace with what you cannot control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The dead are spirits. They always are around us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In fact, they are shadows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Diepkloof poet the late-living Matsemela Manaka captured it well\nin this passage:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“We are the Living link <\/p>\n\n\n\n
the African heritage<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We do not fear death <\/p>\n\n\n\n
we celebrate life <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The fear of death is <\/p>\n\n\n\n
the fear of life<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thus the dead <\/p>\n\n\n\n
are not dead”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They are our shadows<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In living through the loss of my father, my mother, my three uncles, my three aunties, my son, my daughter in law, my two elder brothers, my sister, my countless cousins and, recently, my brother’s wife, I have discovered something to say to someone who suffered the loss of someone …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":146,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/145","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=145"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/145\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":147,"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/145\/revisions\/147"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/146"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=145"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=145"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.sandilememela.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=145"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}